Renowned Israeli American televangelist Benny Hinn offered a special prayer for Kenya’s First Daughter, Charlene Ruto to bring her the partner of her dreams.
“Give her a husband. That will fulfil that call with her. Lord, send that young man her way. That will be a strength to her, a great support to her,” Hinn prayed.
“Lord, send him her way, soon. Let him be exactly what she wants, everything she wants. Grant it, Lord, grant it Lord in the name of Jesus,” Hinn continued.
This prayer comes at a time when marriages are on the rocks. Pastor Hinn and his wife of thirty years, Suzanne, reconciled after being divorced for close to three years.
Many are looking for spouses. Most Indian marriages are still ‘arranged’ and physical appearance and caste dominate the checklists that parents publish in newspapers’ matrimonial advertisement pages.
What is Marriage?
So, what is marriage? Britannica Dictionary defines marriage as: “A legally and socially sanctioned union, usually between a man and a woman, that is regulated by laws, rules, customs, beliefs, and attitudes that prescribe the rights and duties of the partners and accords status to their offspring.”
Marriage is for life as most traditions and religion hold. The Bible, in the book of Matthew says; “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh, so they are no longer two but one flesh. So then, what God has united, human beings must not divide.”
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In many traditional societies remaining single is considered a taboo. According to marriage counselor John Sergon, nowadays people delay or avoid marrying because they are afraid it may not last.
Whether you’re a brand-new couple or consider yourselves “old Ball ‘n’ Chain,” every marriage has its ups and downs.
Ups and Downs in Marriage
The ups and downs of married life include inevitable periods of monotony and routine, despite the cliché nature of that statement. There will inevitably be times of tension, boredom, and strained communication. It is work to keep a marriage together.
“Building a good home takes intentionality and effort. Of course, you will encounter headwinds that can cause deviation from the intended path towards harmony and intimacy. Such prevailing circumstances can be hard to bear,” notes the counselor who has been in marriage since 1994.
Marriage experts and couples agree that it takes faith, skill, determination and endurance to rebuild a conducive environment essential for growth and fruitfulness in the relationship.
While many have turned their difficult and tough moments around to become as growth opportunities, others have fallen on the wayside.
Also, when left to fate, a polluted environment can and will damage any seeds planted in the relationship and destroy a couple’s future productivity.
What Kills Marriages
Marriages die when pollutants or contaminants like promiscuous mind-set, lack of accountability, shifting blame, abusive spirit, selfish and individualistic attitude are allowed to infest the relationship.
“For example, if you are driven by a selfish and individualistic attitude when you communicate, then, what you say can mean life or death to your partner and the relationship by extension”, advises Dr. Philip Kitoto.
Marriage life has proved that those who speak with care create a conducive environment for their love life. The idea here is to guard one’s heart and words because words create the path of a relationship.
If your words are careless, then your partner cannot trust you. This means that the path you start to create for those you relate with could lead to ruin. Spice your words with moments of appreciation, affirmation and trust.
A spouse’s demeanor and walk are as important as their words. Like a farmer who plants good seeds, words seed behavior and actions.
When they are not chosen with care, they create confusion because a partner’s talk does not match your actions. This is responsible for feelings of insecurity within the relationship. When feelings of insecurity settle in, then productivity of the relationship takes a nosedive and intimacy dies.
“Your partner should be able to interpret your heart from the kind of words that are spoken and actions that dominate the relationship. The true state of your heart is normally influenced by your thought patterns” Counsels Dr. Kitoto. “These then dictate behavior and the feelings you have about your partner.”
Value your Partner
Valuing your partner is not only in the gifts and tokens of love on special days. Value is also seen in the way we speak to each other and defend them in moments of difficulty or challenge.
You cannot say that you value your partner while at the same time fail to show empathy with your words and actions. When we are inconsistent, we create gaps that communicate betrayal. This is what may be referred to as hypocrisy. Whatever we value, we treasure and make investments in.
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Beyond money, let us invest in faithfulness and ability to take personal and collective responsibility concerning the failures that arise in the relationship. The hardest thing is to take responsibility of failures that are not attributed to you.
However, one way of creating harmony is being willing to take each other’s burden toward the road of joint responsibility in creating a healing environment.
Navigating and managing a relationship during an environment of negativity requires care and endurance. We need to learn how to handle each other’s faults, failures, weaknesses, and expectations we have in the relationship.
We need to flavor and season our relationship the same way spices are added to meals to enhance the taste. After all, this is how a couple creates and enhances its culture – a positive culture not one where one partner is held captive of past pain and injustices.
Practice Forgiveness
Confession of past mistakes is one way of overcoming hurt and pain from recurring. This must be followed by the need to forgive, let go and rebuild. When this is done well, the feeling of safety is reborn in the relationship.
Feelings of relief from past pain and bitterness opens new doors of fellowship and engagement in the relationship. The danger is when we let pride take root in the heart.
Finally, backstabbing and passing the blame finds a home in a relationship where such negative feelings are not arrested quickly. Instead, they will lead to a desire for revenge and toxic competition.
It is said that those who are dominated by a nature of negativity limit the potential of the relationship. Such a nature will control your mind and contaminate not only your spouse but your entire family including your children.
Many of us know about the Joseph in the Bible who was sold by his brothers to strangers who took him to Egypt as a slave. Instead of taking revenge, he saw their evil action as an ordained path that placed him in a strategic position to be a blessing to all.
Some pains we go through in the relationships are necessary for our maturing and the maturing of the relationship. Sometimes a little annoyance could be helpful in helping you learn conflict management or managing your emotions.
This is the type of maturing that helps you know that you are not a saint nor are you Mr. or Mrs. perfect.
